The Dybbuk
by:

My Wake


I wake
into the darkness around me
my breath gasps
my eyes a fish
peering for some light

my eyes gather at a small spot
a small dot
of light
green-grey neon color

it grows larger and larger
and fills my sight
and soul
it washes over me and I am in a different plane

I see nothing, I hear nothing
but that warm glow of light
so I walk
and walk
and walk

and the ground goes away and
I'm falling, falling
dropping
like Alice
in the Wonderland.

instead of shelves
of cups and saucers
and jars of mysterious substances
they are memories and members of
mine and mine only
but as I go along it seems different
a different girl
a different woman
a different time

I see possibilities
millions of them

"I saw my life branching out before me like (the) green fig tree...From the tip of each branch, a wonderful future beckoned and wiinked...and beyond, and above were many more figs I could not quite make out. I saw myself starving at the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind
which of the figs to choose...but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and one by one, fell at my feet." *
said my friend Esther
she who was Ms. Sylvia's creation
a fellow writer creature in the Bell Jar.

my life was flashing before me
scenes of a distant memory
scenes of deja vu
that should not be deja vu
of a tomorrow
pretty, pink, and a clear blue sky
or blue-black, thunder, and lightning flashing a maze
as I laughed echo through the halls at the world

my flight and journey came to an end
as my drop slowed
and I floated down
my hands grasped the bubble surface around me
POP!

I hit with a thump and a bump
my knees straightening and my throat clearing

I continued my walk
a grey pointless world I saw a future of endless same old, same old
where would I go?
I hated the map before me
as the world turned round and round for me to find
my destination place
I reached out with my hands and fingers outstretched
and ripped the map to pieces
with a grimace upon my face
I threw the pieces above me like confetti
and ran through the wall.

I woke and gasped
sweat running down my hair
trickling trailing past my ear and down my collarbone
to splatter across my coverlet
I gathered my knees to my chest
and screamed.

(and knew it wasn't a dream.)



*excerpt form The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
**the reference to the dybbuk is also from The Bell Jar. here is the excerpt:

The night before I'd seen a play where the heroine was possessed by a dybbuk, and when the dybbuk spoke from her mouth its voice sounded so cavernous and deep you couldn't tell whether it was a man or woman. Well, Hilda's voice sounded just like the voice of that dybbuk.
She yawned then, and her pale orange mouth opened on a large darkness. Fascinated, I stared at the blind cave behind her face until the two lips met and moved and the dybbuk spoke out of its hiding place, "I'm so glad they're going to die."